Finding Confidence

Starting this blog was hard for me. Rather, I should say, publishing this blog was hard for me. 

This blog was born of an interesting emotional concoction: the joy I find in writing, the difficulty of leaving my career to raise my girls (and along with it a deep loss of a sense of purpose, affirmation and even ambition), the insatiable desire to share my gifts with the world in a tangible way, and my newfound love of the crazy roller coaster ride that is the journey of motherhood.

I wrote to vent. I wrote to connect. I wrote to convey meaning. I wrote to discover.

I agonized over sharing what I had written, over sharing this blog. 

What if people think it's dumb or stupid?
What if no one likes what I have to say?
Who the hell am I that anyone should even listen to me?
What if people make fun of my blog?
What if no one reads it?

Eventually, I wound up thinking of my daughters instead of myself:

What if they have a story to share but are too afraid to share it?
What if they question why anyone should listen to them?

Thinking about my daughters struggling to find confidence in their own words, ultimately inspired a change. See, the confident girls aren't the ones who "don't care". The confident girls aren't the ones who let their fears prevent them from something either. The truly confident girls are the ones who have the audacity to look at themselves honestly, see their weaknesses and resolve to change the situation. Those are the confident ones. Those are the brave ones. Those are the strong ones.

For the sake of my daughters, I wanted to emulate confidence for them... and for me.

And for the first time in a long time, I started to believe that what I had to say was worth listening to--that my writing was worth reading--that my ideas could inspire, affirm, educate and edify those around me.

What I found was amazing. This blog took off and turned into more than I could have ever imagined. I found a relentlessly supportive community of mothers, specifically on Instagram, many of whom I consider to be of the dearest of my friends. I found the joy of being vulnerable and sharing to be so immense--more than I ever fathomed.

But unfortunately I also did find that some of my fears came true. Some people did think my blog was stupid. Some people don't like what I have to say. Some people have mocked and judged me for putting myself out there. And some people questioned my intentions for writing in the first place.

And I'm not going to lie. All of that honestly hurt... a lot. But not enough where I'll even think about calling it quits. 

I have a dream of writing true and honest words that inspire others. 

If my daughters grow up one day with a dream, I want them to know that along the way, there will be thorns. When they run into the thorns, it will cut them right open. But they shouldn't fear it, for they have confidence in their blood. I know because I put it there, just like my mom did for me.

(My mom went back to college when I was in middle school and went on to receive her master's. She started her dream career in her 40s and has pushed me to be a strong, confident woman my whole life)

Ultimately, confidence is not one of those things you can catch and put in a box. You have to find it again and again, day after day. But when my daughters embark on that journey, they will see me, right there next to them, finding confidence once more.